- Comment from a document on wait time problems in the Canadian health care
"Special thanks to Heather Sheehy for coining the phrase The
Taming of the Queue,
which subsequently became the title of this paper and the March 31-April 1
2004 Colloquium on Wait Time Measurement, Monitoring and Management."
- The Probabilist's Zero-One Laws.
1. If an bad event has probability 0,
then to the unlucky probabilist, it will happen with probability 1.
lucky probabilist works on deterministic problems.
(contributed by P.
(Additions are welcome.)
- Q: What do you call that line over there?
A: A queue.
- Q: What do you call a waiting line of little girls' dolls?
- Q: What should you call an advice column for queueing theorists?
Q-Tips! (Thank you Percy Brill.)
- Q: If you had a preemptive priority single server queueing system with
seven low priority customers in the system, and if a high priority customer
arrived and bumped the low priority customer from service, what name (from a
Disney movie) would be appropriate to describe this situation?
A: No Wait
and the Seven Dwarfs!
- Here's an imitation of a queueing theorist
- Q:What Broadway song is about queueing theory?
Give my regards to
Remember me to Herald Square.
Tell all the gang at 42nd
That I will soon be there.
Whisper of how I'm yearning
mingle with the old time throng
Give my regards to old Broadway,
tell them I'll be there ERLANG!!
- Q: Name a queueing person, now retired, who was a long time basketball
superstar for the New York Knicks.
A: Patrick Queueing! (Thank you, Tim
- Q: What do you call a queue with few
A: Thin queue.
- We recently took our six year old twin boys to see a live performance
based on the popular children's TV show "Blue's Clues" at the Fox Theater in
Detroit. The line-up of parents and children waiting to enter stretched around
the block. My son told me that the line-up of people should be called "Blue's
- Q: What does "queue
A: That's what you do to a queue that misbehaves.
- Q: What would one call a waiting line of unmarried young ladies?
- Q: What would one call a waiting line that had repeated images of
A: an I.Q.
- Q: Describe a closed Jackson queueing network.
A: Michael, Tito, Janet,
LaToya, Jermaine, and Andrew enter an empty Department of Motor Vehicles
office to renew their driving licenses. They are sent from counter to
(Blame Andrew Ross for this one.)
Queueing, Queueing, Queueing
Roses are red.
I'm getting impatient.
I'm stuck in this queue. (by Steve Drekic)
- Queue! Queue! Go away!
must return another day. (Anonymous, about retrial queues)
- (poem by Yi Bei Zhang, U. of Windsor)
In the world of Markov
I have lived in several states
If you are really a magical
Tell me when I can return
To my homeland, the dreaming place.
- Bill Becker (of Hitachi Data Systems) sent me the following story:
was attending a computer network performance management seminar conducted by
none other than Leonard Kleinrock himself. (At the time, I had no idea who he
was - this took place around 1985, or so.) He starts out his week-long
intensive seminar with the statement: "Life is a queue. You come in, hang
around for a bit, get some service, then depart." To which I commented "Is
that a closed-loop or open-ended queue?" LK went silent and
then proclaimed "That depends on your religious philosophy."
- The following story was told by Marcel Neuts. A queueing conference was
being held in Rome. One of the organizers managed to obtain an audience with
the Pope for attendees to the conference. When the Pope met the group, there
was an awkward silence, since there was little in common. Then one of the
queueing theorists asked the Pope what he thought the queueing discipline was
at the gates of heaven. Was it FCFS?
"No," answered the pope. "It is Least
Come, First Served."
- Overheard while waiting in a long ticket line, from a disgruntled customer
who was heading toward the back of the queue.
"The only thing
worse than waiting in line is waiting in the WRONG line!"
- (taken from another web site)
A student pushes a loaded shopping cart
up to the express checkout lane at a Cambridge, Massachusetts grocery store.
The cashier looks at the cart, looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS --
EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS" sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard,
where they don't know how to count? Or MIT, where they don't know how to
- When I got married, I started getting mail addressed to M/M Andrew Ross.
Did my wife tell them I'm becoming memoryless?
(Thanks to Andrew Ross for
- (The following was sent to me from firstname.lastname@example.org)
"I moved to
Italy last year. Recently friends from Canada came to visit. It was the height
of tourist season but they were determined to see all the historical
sights/sites. This, of course, included the famous Leaning Tower in my
newly-adopted home town.
The lines were so long that day that it took
all afternoon to finally have our turn to ascend that storied edifice.
Returning to my apartment that evening, exhausted, they asked me how I could
remain so courteous amid the constant jostling of those ever-present
I replied that, in light of the stunning beauty of this place
I now call my home, I don't mind my Pisan queues.
( How's THAT for a
- The Conference "CanQueue 2003" was held in Toronto in September, 2003.
"CanQueue" refers to Canadian Queueing Conference. While trying to respond to
an e-mail about CanQueue, my spellchecker did not recognize the word
"CanQueue." It proposed an alternative. The alternative was (drumroll
"CANCUN" !!! Mexico, anyone?
- From Neil Gunther:
During a class last November, I was heard to
inadvertently utter: "A queue is a line of
customers waiting to be severed!"
(That's the way I type, too.)
For some other queueing poems, most by Leonard Kleinrock (including Ode to a Queue), click HERE .
To see Wright's Axioms of Queueing, click on
"Your web-page is very useful, even if the jokes are
atrocious! ;)" Ken Duffy.
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